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So now I'm going to write about one of those lies, and I will probably offend people. Ready? I'm about to dispel a lie....
You don't need STUFF to make you happy. In fact, you don't need STUFF period.
Earth shattering.
Do you realize that most people will claim to believe this, but their actions prove that they actually believe in the lie? "Stuff makes you happy." That's why we chase after it with such desperation as though our very lives are at stake.
Dave Ramsey calls this worship of stuff "stuff-itis". Appropriate because it sounds like a disease, a deep-rooted, American disease. The Bible calls it idolatry.
"You will have no other gods before me." ~ God
But we have lots of gods that take up our time and money. Flat screens, nice cars, the latest fashions, even little things like toys for our kids, and lofty things like good education.
And now to get to my point. I have heard the laments of literally dozens of mothers that tearfully but dutifully go to work full time in order to help their husband provide for the family. Their hearts pull them homeward. Their heads push them out the door. They don't want to work. They clearly state that they are working "against their will" or "because it is necessary to make ends meet." Then they go about their American life, dropping off the kids to daycare, driving a car they owe money on, texting on their iphone, living in Suburbia, U.S.A., living the dream. Right?
Doing what society and everyone tells them they're supposed to do. Buying on credit what their grandparents worked a lifetime to obtain, and what some of their parents still don't have. It's like a mad frenzy to acquire...stuff.
Stuff has become more important than people.
And we as mothers can get so wrapped up in it, that we lose sight of our priorities and we get so confused. Not only do we believe in the lie, but sometimes we lie to ourselves and to others in order to rationalize our actions.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of moms complaining about how they "have" to work when they could drastically cut the budget. If you want more money, stop spending it all! I'm tired of husbands who practically beg their wives to return to work because he just can't do it without her, and then as soon as she does, he starts eyeing a new truck. I'm tired of wants being confused for needs. I'm tired of people doing what's expected of them because it's the norm. I'm tired of Christians being no different than anyone else on this matter, except that they use a lot of spiritual words when they discuss it.
If you want to work, then work, and do it unto the Lord. I'm not talking about you. If you are married and your husband works, and you don't want to work, or if you feel a conviction against it while your kids are young, then don't work. It really is that simple. It will be uncomfortable because your life will have to look a little different than it might otherwise. A lot different? But I think you will discover some of life's greatest treasures in those moments that you can't get back.
Step 1: Stop comparing yourself to everyone. And especially, in your comparisons, stop trying to be everyone else.
Step 2: Change something.
If you desire to stay home and raise the kids yourself, either change your situation or stop complaining. If you complain about how badly you want to stay with your kids, but you're not even willing to give up the superficial, unimportant things like highlights in your hair, (sorry but) I would really question your priorities. Your actions and your words need to line up, or else nobody wants to hear about it. That is a harsh but true reality.
Some people might (rightly) say that I have it pretty good so I don't actually know what these sacrifices look like. Yes, we have been blessed as my husband changed his major to a more one-income-friendly occupation back when we were dating. However, most people don't realize that our student loan payments equal that of a mortgage payment. We live very simply by the standards of our culture, and even when our student loans are paid off, I believe we will still choose the simple life. Knowing that our family will be growing in the future, we have saved cash and are making plans to purchase a larger vehicle (with 75,000 + miles), but we currently drive a Hyundai Elantra with over 100,000 miles on it, so we don't have a car payment. And don't forget, I was raised by a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) who was a SAHM even when it meant we had to live in a trailer, and then later upgrade to two-bedroom apartment where four children resided with their two parents. I remember well our apartment days, and I have news for you: kids don't care about things like apartment vs. house, compact car vs. suv. They don't want stuff; they want you. (Just in case you worry about depriving your kids. ;-))
Here are some daring changes both big and small that I have seen women make in order to make being a SAHM more feasible:
Cut the cable ($30/mo.)
Cancel cell phone service ($50/mo.)
Dye your hair to it's natural color and stop highlighting, and cut it to a lower maintenance style. ($20/mo. when averaged)
Sell your car and be a one-vehicle family (Yes, wake up in the morning and take your husband to work) ($300/mo. conservative estimate for payment and gas alone, not incl. maintenance)
Stop eating out. Completely. ($50/mo.)
Make food from scratch to cut the grocery budget (even bread if you get crazy!) ($20/mo.)
Drink water, not juice, not milk, not soda. ($20/mo.)
Don't buy yourself any clothes for awhile - unlike your kids, you're not growing and you won't wear them out. ($50/mo.)
Just on those few items I listed off the top of my head, with my very conservative #s, you could easily save $540 a month just like that! This does not include money saved in childcare, and this is just scratching the surface. I didn't even include some of the key things that I personally do such as use cloth diapers.
Stop shopping for anything but grocery items - maybe you have bad habits you need to break. Some of us have more diverse spending habits than others ;-) If you rent, move into a smaller house in an older neighborhood...or *GASP*, move into an apartment. (We saved over $600/mo. by moving from our condo across the street from a golf course, to a slightly run-down rental in an old neighborhood. $600 a month!!! When we move again, eventually, we'd like to shoot for saving an additional $200/mo. Though we won't compromise safety, we are pretty motivated to pay off our student loans during this time that my husband's job has us uprooted and moving around.)
Additionally, here are things I have seen moms do to help with the income while raising the children and keeping home in order:
Part-time work-from-home position for a company
Providing childcare for other working moms (I did this for over 2 years.)
Selling Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, etc.
Clean houses
My mom even had a paper route at one point and took us along. :-)
I swear if one more person tells me how envious they are of me because I get to spend my days pouring into the lives of my daughters, while they have always "had" to work to make ends meet, but then they continue to make expensive choices, I may start screaming. For so many of them think they are helpless victims of life. They have made themselves slaves to their stuff, and that is why they feel they have to work. They don't own anything. Their stuff owns them. It is so frustrating to see this cycle and it makes me so profoundly sad for the deceived among us. After all, for most of us, our children are our only truly lasting legacy.
God help us to see ourselves clearly. We need your TRUTH - Jesus. Help us to be good stewards of our children - like everything else, they are yours and not ours. Help me to see the lies that I believe in other areas of my life and recognize them for what they are. Make me like you, even when the process hurts.
With her permission, please go read this vulnerable post that my friend Emily wrote about her personal struggle with this very subject. (Love ya, Emily! And happy first day on the new job!)
5 comments:
Wow I couldn't agree with you more. We had to make a lot of sacrifices so I could be a stay at home mom. We live very frugally, cloth diaper, don't get cable, and refuse to live beyond our means. I get comments from moms all the time about how lucky I am and how they wish they could stay home. But in most circumstances they could if they weren't financially enslaved to their stuff or determined to stay at a certain standard of living.
*LOVED* every bit of this. It is such a touchy subject amongst women, so often walking on eggshells is implied. I know so many mothers who could stay with their children, but don't because of their idols. So, so, so true. Thanks for speaking truth!
I love this post. I have been there, done that and I feel like I lost out on so much. I really feel like I missed out on enjoying my babies. I went back to work when they were 6 weeks old! Jim and I both bought the lie that parenting is something one parent can do while the other works. So we just worked opposite schedules. We thought that is was so wonderful of us that we could do it without using daycare. Meanwhile, we were dying. Our marriage was withering up.
I know that God heard my cries. I just wanted to be a mom, a homemaker, a wife. I feel so blessed to have been given this second chance. I won't get to go back to when they were babies, but at least I am not missing out on the second half.
AMEN!!!! This is so very true, every bit. My hubby and I were just talking about this. People need to wake up and get a clue!! This culture isn't about sacrifices though, it's all about things and feeling good, and comparison to others. And have, have, have. But yet, the kids are being sacrificed.
I completely agree. We have had to sacrifice SO much for me to be a SAHM (as you put it!). The problem really is that what people now-a-days think are "Needs" are really "Wants". We have one phone. No cable. We rent. We have older, but reliable vehicles, one with hail damage on the roof of the car becuase it dropped the price $4,000!! The kids aren't in every sport or extra curricular activity available. I refuse to pay $500.00 a month for "Preschool" We have hand-me-down furniture still. The list goes on and on.
I get the same thing as you. "You are so lucky to get to stay home with your kids because your husband has a great job and makes enough for you to be home." Yeah, do you not remember the past 5 years that we were in College... living in a little apartment, with no washer and dryer??? Remember those days?!! I sure do.
I guess we'll always appreciate it more now thoug, right?
I'm not saying that there is never a time when it's not God's will for the mother to work. There are obviously exceptions. But so many times it's the choice of wanting to be home or wanting "Stuff", and the "stuff" wins out.
I absolutely loved this post. (Aftr my novel and the passion this arose in me, maybe I should do my own post instead of filling up your comment column!???!) Yeah- sorry about the novel. I just totally agree.
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