Life with THREE

The most common question I get from friends and family is this:

"So...how's it going with three?  Is going from two to three harder than one to two?"

Since I don't currently know very many people with more than two children, I have found that I am a little bit of an anomaly.  And people just loooove juicy details. 

Well juicy details will be yours! 

As with all facets of parenting, our experience with transitioning to three kids will be different than someone else's simply because each family has unique people and personalities contributing to the family dynamics.  Likewise, parents and children alike all have different levels of tolerance to things like noise and chaos and differing abilities to juggle many things at once.  So my perspective of what is hard or easy will be different than that of an outsider who might observe my family.  It might even be different than my husband's perspective.  Having said that, most days, I have thought, "Wow.  The transition from 2 to 3 is definitely easier than it was from 1 to 2." 

When I had only Princess, even though I watched other young children for the first two years of her life, she was used to getting a ton of one-on-one and two-on-one attention much of the time, particularly evenings and weekends.  That made the addition of a full-time sister, Smooch - even though I had stopped watching other children by then - a bit more uprooting for Princess than it was for Smooch to add a sibling.  Smooch has had her moments to be sure, but in being the second child she has never had Mommy and Daddy to herself, so her perspective automatically started out differently.  Plus, Smooch has an intense love of babies, whereas Princess was pretty aloof with babies at that age, so that has worked in our favor this time around as well.  Those are all things to take into consideration.

It has been challenging to juggle the wants and needs of three little people instead of two, keeping to a fairly predictable routine and coming up with new components of our routine where necessary.  But it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be.  It might just be because once you juggle two, three is not as complicated as you think.  One of the hardest things for me has been in not being able to attend to an unhappy infant quite as quickly as I would like to because I'm in the middle of another important parenting task, like putting lunch on the table for my two big girls.   And while Hazel (who needs a blog nickname) is not my hardest baby, she's not my most easy baby either.  Basically, I've had a really hard time getting her to nap (like stay asleep) while not being held.

We had been making some great progress in this area by using the swing up until she came down with a cold RSV a week or so ago.  Suffice it to say, that much of the time the Moby Wrap is my favorite piece of baby gear.  Also, until very recently, Hazel has refused to take a pacifier but instead has wanted to use Mommy as a pacifier which makes for erratic feedings and an exhausted momma.  We've also been able to work on that and she will *sometimes* now take a pacifier.  When the mood strikes her.  (But she'd much rather suck on a germy finger if given the choice.)

While I have solidified my preferences in recent years so that I do not intend to include "cry it out" in my sleep training methods in the way that I did for our first child, I find that I have to let Hazel cry on some occasions more than I would like to - not to get to sleep, but just as a matter of having to wait for Mommy to attend to someone else's needs for a couple of minutes.  This is where "tolerance for noise/chaos" comes into play.   I could see how someone who cannot handle the sound of crying might find the transition from two kids to three harder than form one to two in this way.  I do okay with some crying as long as I know that it is very temporary and in my control.

An advantage of having two "big kids" is that they really do keep each other company quite nicely these days.  Oh they fight more than they did before baby, but it's not too bad.  (Again, likely perspective coming into play here.)  I remember nursing Smooch constantly in those first weeks while poor Princess constantly begged me to play with her.  Though I came up with some special things for her to do independently during feedings, I still felt pretty lousy about putting my big girl off so much.

Also by the time we welcomed baby #3 into our home, Princess had been four for a few months and she is a tremendous help!  Things like running to grab something from the other room or the ability to grab an apple from the crisper if I need her to get her own snack are both fantastic.  Another thing the four-year-old adds is an unfazed "I've totally done this before and don't feel the least bit threatened by the new baby" attitude.  I believe her leadership in that has helped Smooch more than we can really measure. 

There are other moments during which I think having three kids is the hardest thing in the world and the days cannot pass quickly enough.   Those times include when illness turns my two-year-old into a bear/blubbering mess, Hazel screams during an entire drive because she does not love riding in her car seat much of the time, or for some unknown reason everyone is crying at the same time and it seems easier to throw in the towel and join in the crying myself.  However, those moments (minus the week of hell when Smooch was feeling very sick), are not constants in our days, so they don't rule our existence.  But when they do come, I question my sanity for having had three children, and I'm pretty sure I suck at life.  

Having three has finally driven me to certain level of structure and organization that Two Kids Amelia resisted like the plague.  For instance, I absolutely must roll out of bed and start my day before the children, including the infant.  I am very lucky to have children who seem to have inherited my love of sleep, because this means that I can usually sleep until 7 a.m. and still have at least 15 - 30 mins. to put myself together and pour a cup of decaf.  Sometimes I get crazy and take a shower.  Other times I decide I'd rather be dirty and just spend a little extra time to fix my hair and put on some makeup instead. Yes, I said makeup.  We all have own sanity requirements.  Don't dog on mine. ;-)  Back to my point, there is something about having your day started by a two-year-old that just makes you feel as if your whole day is ruled by said two-year-old.  Gotta stay a step ahead!

Likewise, I believe that I have become a little more skilled at managing sleep schedules with each additional child.  (Thank God I have gotten to add them one by one, right!?)  For example, I usually get to have a break from all children each day because I wait to put Smooch and Princess down for the afternoon nap/rest until I have Hazel asleep.  Since newborns sleep a lot, and my big girls are flexible on their nap time, I can arrange this beautifully on most days so that they are all down at the same time.  

Now keep in mind that as I right this we are still in the middle of winter and we aren't getting out much.  Granted, we have gone out to doctors' appointments and things like that, but I'm currently doing things like grocery shopping alone on Saturdays for example, so my perspective is pretty much from being at home all day.  However, I still think a lot of the same ideas will apply to our future out-of-the-house adventures.  Be sure that I will let you know when we get there.  :-)

I have heard that three kids is the breaking point for many people, while others think two is the most challenging.  So far, I tend to side with the latter.  My mom (of 12) says that it really just gets easier from here.  I think that partially depends on your particular children as well as how close they are in age.  However, I have come to one definitive conclusion: Adding an infant, no matter what number child, will always be more challenging than having just your "big kid(s)."  (I am still covered in breast milk each day, and I'm still tired just because I have a baby.  Babies by nature are very demanding people.  Never mind that she's my third.  Sometimes that's irrelevant.) I do wonder if it doesn't rock your world in a smaller way each time though. (like, "oh yeah I remember the smell of sour breast milk on my shirt" as opposed to "Ah!  Why do I smell like sour milk!? From my own body!?!?!")

Perhaps it's like I told my husband the other day, "I'm tired.  But I think as a mother, I have just gotten used to having my sleep interrupted.  I just don't feel as tired as I remember."  Apply that general idea to every aspect of life with kids, and there you have the short version of my answer.  :-)