Just In Case This Means Something to Anyone Else

Once upon a Febuary in 2009 I had an early miscarriage that rocked my world.  I blogged about it here.  Only I didn't happen to mention any specifics at the time.  Since that portion of the post is somewhat buried in my monologue about our firstborn daughter, I have copied and pasted it below.  Every word of it is as true today as it was then.  Jesus you are so beautiful, how you strengthen our spirits and soften our hearts in difficult times, if only we let you.

__________________

In whom, in what, do you put your trust? Through tumultuous events, both from my own life and the lives of others around me, God is teaching me a seemingly basic truth. Fundamental, but challenging. God has personally blessed us. That is obvious to me. But in his blessing, I don't want my focus to shift from Him to his blessing. I want to live with an "open palm" mentality. Not open palm meaning, ready to receive, but open palm meaning that I don't cling to things or people in such a way that I place my trust in them. That my focus shifts away from Jesus. I want to give everything I have to God each day because they're not mine to begin with. I want to live like everything is on loan from him.

Don't we try to treat things better that aren't ours anyway? Being sort of clumsy and awkward with...things...I have broken something that belonged to someone else on more than one occasion. That feeling is more terrible than if I had broken ten of my own somethings. I want to live like my house isn't mine. I want to live like my husband doesn't belong to me. The same goes for my daughter. My husband's job. Everything. They belong to the Lord. He has let me have them for a time and a time only. I want to live like I really believe that.

This does not come out of fear of loss; I have experienced loss before and I know that if I had to do it again, I could...because I have Hope. So I am not afraid. Rather this is entirely about my attitude. I want to be humble. Few things are uglier to me than arrogance. I want to be thankful in all things. I think the Bible repeats "be thankful", and "with thankfulness" so much because we are so prone to become spoiled little children, demanding things from God. And adopting at attitude of thankfulness can transform a person. I will go as far as to say that I believe it is the only way to experience true happiness.

Be thankful. Be humble. Live like your trust is really in Jesus and not yourself (your abilities), not a job, not your things, not your husband, not your kids. That is what I yearn for. This is what God has been teaching me lately.

There is a difference between finding joy in things, relationships and such and getting your worth from them. Letting those things define you. For instance, I find it extremely satisfying to make things with my hands. (I think it's in my genetics.) That's why I think it is fun to sew. However, I have to be on guard to not let my value come from being crafty or get my identitfy from being a "homemaker." God tells me who I am. Not the way I interact with my daughter on any given day. Or the fact that I even have a child. Not the fact that I have many years of college behind me. Not whether I packed my husband's lunch or let him do it himself. Not whether I have a career or stay home with my kid. Not anything that I feel. Not what anyone else tells me. If I chased those things in order to find value, I would be placing my trust in them. Wouldn't I be train wreck when things didn't go as planned?! Nevertheless, it is a constant learning process.

Here is an excerpt from my journal last month (I know, I blog and I keep a journal. Good for me.) Forgive me if this is somewhat redundant:

February 24, 2009

Some Psalms that stick out to me tonight:

Psalm 144:3-4 - "O Lord, what is man that you regard him, or the son of man that you think of him? Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow."

Psalm 146:3-5 - "Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish. Blessed is he whose help is in the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God."

I find it comforting to know that in all times - in joy or in sorrow - God is deeply moved on my behalf and He even knows the very number of hairs on my head and goings on of the insignificant sparrow. However, I really enjoy scriptures that put life into perspective. That remind me to be humble and thankful in all things. To remember that in the grand scheme of life and eternity, my problems are not so overbearing

I feel as though in the wake of [things], God is whispering in his still, small voice, "In whom do you put your trust? From what do you gain your value?" My answer should not be my daughter and my future children. I should not put my trust in my husband [I should trust him, yes, but not put my trust, my hope in him]. Or his job. My value should not be determined by my accomplishments as daughter, wife or mother.

These are concepts that I have nearly always known and understood, but to take them to heart and live with an "open palm" mentality is different. My husband does not belong to me. My daughter is not mine. They are the Lord's. If I have learned anything [this is where I omitted specifics about the miscarriage in the original blog post] it is that I must continue to give my family over to God each day. It's hard to comprehend that He loves them more than I do (or ever will) but that's the reality of it, so they're better off in His full care anyway. But, man, will I thank Him everyday for lending them to me for awhile!

___________________

P.S.  Don't worry.  Light-hearted family update posts will ensue.