Going From One Child to Two

Today is a momentous day.  I did two things that I seldom do: I went to Walmart (a place that I do not love) and I baked cookies while it's hot warm outside.  Princess, of course, was my lovely assistant while Smooch snoozed the afternoon away.  And for the first time in the last year and a half, my cookies turned out perfectly.  I'm used to baking at near sea level, so this whole borderline high altitude thing has not been good for my baking self esteem.

I've been doing a bit of thinking lately about our future transition from two children to three.  I don't know very many people with little ones who have more than two children, so I need to corner the few that I do know and glean some "been there done that" wisdom from them.  I love hearing different experiences and perspectives.  I have a feeling transitioning to three will be easier since the older two will be able to play together during nursing sessions, and child #2 - while being displaced as the baby - is used to not being the one and only child so in that sense, I expect it to be easier than our first transition.  Plus, now I have a tiny bit of experience under my belt.  When Smooch was a tiny thing, my sister-in-law "S" was extremely helpful with her tips and tricks for the one child to two child transition.  Since I've been thinking so much about such transitions (prematurely, I realize), I thought I'd take a moment to jot down a few of those one-to-two tips that helped me so much, as well as a few thoughts about our experience in this area.

(photos of Princess and Smooch taken on Feb 10, 2010)

Some of these things may seem obvious, but when sleep-deprived and nursing around the clock, sometimes the obvious things do not even come to mind.  It seems that the hardest part about going from one child to two is the feeling of displacement that the firstborn child is often left to grapple with.  A child who was perfectly behaved and calm may flip a switch and seemingly change personalities overnight.  I am assured this is normal and temporary.  The ideas below mainly focus on helping child #1 adjust to the changes a new sibling brings.  Remember, that sweet child has never had to share his mommy before, so what seems normal to adults may come as quite a shock to your little one.  An extra dose of patience in required, and I prefer a little extra compassion and leniency as well.

1. Nursing Smooch was hard at first b/c my previously calm, obedient toddler became very, very busy making messes and whatnot like she had had never done in the past.  This only happened while I was nursing, but it was exhausting having to either stop and start nursing to deal with her or to clean up the tornado after each nursing session.  My s-i-l advised me to Pick out some fun, new things that Princess would love, put it in a special bag or container, and tell her that he can play with his new special things while mommy feeds baby sister. Then after nursing is done, put them away until next time. Possibly rotate items to preserve the "newness."

2. Consider getting a big sister or brother book. I really LOVE LOVE LOVE this one by Dr. Sears. More importantly, Princess loved it too!   "S" bought this book for Princess before the arrival of baby sister, and I believe it helped her a lot.  It was the most thoughtful "big sister" gift she received.

3. Give big sister special jobs to help involve her if she is up for it. Princess was my professional diaper-throw-awayer.  Make her feel like a champion for being such a wonderful helper to Mommy.

4. Let her ignore the baby if she wants. She'll get over it eventually.  Princess did her share of ignoring baby sister until she grew to be a bit more interesting.  I felt that trying to interest her in baby Smooch at that point would have only pushed Princess away even more.

5. As much as possible, word things carefully, trying not to blame things on the baby. ie: "Mommy can't play right now b/c she's very busy feeding baby sister." Rather say, "Mommy would love to play with you! As soon as baby____ is done eating, that's the first thing we'll do. Would you like to get the ____ ready while you wait?"  Then for heaven's sake follow through on what you said you would do.

6. Try to carve out special Big Sibling time as much as you can while he's adjusting. This will be hard at first b/c of how often new ones eat, etc., but it can be done. Baby nap times are great for this. If you are like me you will need to be extra careful to make that time for your child rather than trying to accomplish something around the house. If you must accomplish something, involve your big helper as much as you can, and make him a champion for helping you.

7.  Leave baby with Daddy once in awhile in the evening and take Big Sister on a special outing with just Mommy. I'm serious.  I realize it's is HARD to leave such a tiny baby, but even if you just make it one hour and go down the street to get ice cream, it will make such a difference for your toddler.  This is something that I wish I had been even better about, but I did occasionally take Princess on an errand or two and after those outings, I noticed such a difference in Princess's attitude and thus her behavior.

8.  Send your toddler out with Daddy for a special date.  This will have a similar affect as going out with just Mommy, but please be careful not to do this instead of special time with Mommy.  I have to say that having a new baby in the house was the best thing for Princess and My Stud's relationship.  Princess had always been a serious momma's girl, but they became so much closer than ever after Smooch was born because of their special outings.  It was also helpful for their bonding to have Daddy take over much of Princess's bedtime routine, baths, etc for a little while.  However, I would recommend having Daddy take a much more active role (if he isn't already) before the baby comes along so that it becomes normal to your toddler before a little baby rocks her world and "steals" her mommy. 

9.  Stick to your toddler's typical daytime routine as much as possible after the new baby arrives.  Yes, this is easier said than done.  I would even recommend changing your child's routine to match a probable post-birth routine weeks before your baby joins the family. 

10.  Accept help.  Let people bring you meals and let Grandmother come to stay for a week if that would be helpful to you.  Remember, it's not helpful for Grandmother to come and hold your sleeping newborn all day.  It is helpful for Grandmother to spend lots of quality time with your toddler, allow you to rest, and help with household duties when it's time for you to spend special time with your toddler.  I am horrible at accepting help, but I'm working on it. ;-)   Along the lines of accepting help, something I'm contemplating for this next baby is to have my husband take a week off of work when the baby is two or three weeks old rather than immediately.  The reason for this is because newborns (at least mine) are extremely sleep the first couple weeks of life, but often enter a time of adjustment which can be a little rough (either at night, leaving you exhausted...or during the day, making you busy.)  Regarding food, since Smooch was our second girl and we didn't need much in the way or baby items, my (insistent & wonderful) friends and family threw me a food shower.  Guests brought frozen meals or restaurant gift cards to the shower instead of traditional gifts.  It was the most genius thing ever!

I remember those first weeks (months?) of transition being challenging to say the least.  I'm pretty sure our perfectly potty trained Princess peed on the floor regularly just for attention.  And I know that's why she tore apart the house during nursing sessions.  However, once we became more intentional about how we spent time with Princess and how we communicated her importance to us, we saw an almost immediate change in her attitude toward baby Smooch as well as in her general behavior.  Witnessing that change was a tremendous reward, but even better was knowing that our sweet firstborn daughter once again felt secure with her place in our family and in our hearts.