Life Truth: The Colder the Winter, the Warmer the Spring

Photo from here.

I think it is beautiful how the Lord uses his creation to teach us truths about life. Take the changing of seasons from Winter to Spring for example...
Bambi II - "There is Life"

Under the snow,
Beneath the frozen streams
There is life...


You have to know
When nature dreams,
She dreams there is life...

And the colder the winter,
The warmer the spring
The deeper the sorrow,
The more our hearts sing
Even when you can't see it
Inside everything
There is life...

After the rain,
The sun will reappear
There is life...

After the pain,
The joy will still be here
There is life...

For it's out of the darkness
That we learn to see
And out of the silence
That songs come to be
And all that we dream of
Awaits patiently...
There is life...

______________________________

Dear Baby July,

They say that it's strange how you can miss someone that you have never even met, but I don't think it's strange at all. I miss you. Intensely. I think about you and your brother or sister October. Every. Single. Day. I imagine that you play so sweetly together in Heaven the way that your sisters play together on earth. Even though is has been several months since I said goodbye to you, sometimes I still lie awake at night and cry. And then I almost have to laugh because I know how blissful it is that you never have experience what it is like to feel that anguish. You have no concept of pain. But I have to admit, in my selfish human nature, I am not crying for you - for I know you are in better hands than mine - I cry for myself. Did I tell you I miss you?

Last month, we would have discovered whether you are a boy or a girl. Oh we were so anxious for that moment. Now it seems silly that your gender would have mattered to us at all. I just wanted YOU. I imagine that my belly would have been pretty swollen by now. I would have finally looked pregnant instead of frumpy. I think you would have been big enough for Daddy to feel your kicks, and I would have walked around rubbing my belly out of maternal habit by now. Did I tell you that I love you?

Well I do. Ever so much.

Love,

Mommy

__________________________

Sometimes, as a mother, I feel like a ball of raw emotion with large portions of my heart walking around outside of my body, and other parts of it hanging out in Heaven without me. I don't try to explain why things happen the way they do. I do hope in the Lord. I do wonder what He is teaching me through all of this. I do try to focus on loving the babies I do get to hold, savoring every moment of this sweet and terrible life.

Sometimes I feel afraid. Then the Lord tells me "Do not be afraid." Sometimes I feel angry. (I must admit there are moments when I want to have a literal tantrum.) Then the Lord softens my heart. Sometimes I think life is ugly and unfair. Then the Lord places on my heart those who have experienced greater loss than I, and those who have not been able to hold any of their children. We desire more children, and sometimes I feel faithless and impatient, ready to be pregnant riiiiiiight now. Then the Lord boosts my faith and gives me patience that I don't have in and of myself.

But one thing never changes: I always, always think of Baby October (due October 14, 2009, miscarried at 5 weeks on February 7, 2009) and Baby July (due on July 10, 2011, miscarried at 9 weeks on December 5, 2010). Mothers never forget their babies. All of them.

I look forward to the day when we lay eyes on each other for the first time, and we know one other at once.