A Story About the Blessing of Ticks

I've been ignoring my blog lately.  We've just been a bit busy over here.  First of all, we went camping a few weeks ago in Colorado (of which I took not one photo).  Once we got home and several days had passed, my husband discovered a large tick on Little Miss Princess.  Apparently when checking for ticks, you should do a thorough search of the head.  But this being my first camping experience in tick territory, I checked every bodily crevice but not the head.  And I promise I washed her hair several times after our return.  The tick must have been quite small (for me to not feel it while washing.)...at first...before it grew very large by enjoying it's unlimited source of food. 

I did take pictures of the tick on Princess.  However, I will spare you.  It just seems wrong to post those. She, on the other hand, enjoys looking at them now that she's recovered from the trauma.

Back to the story.  So it was Wednesday evening when My Stud found the tick and we decided it best to wait until we got home from church to remove it.  After much consultation with various sources and experienced tick removers, we decided that the least traumatic, most sure-fire way of removing the tick in one fell swoop would be to just employ my tweezers and pull gently and steadily.  Even though Princess was so against this whole process that My Stud had to restrain her (and then restrain her again when she broke free), the tick removal was a smashing success. 

Then my husband found a second intruder. 

Poor Princess. :-(  (She said through tears, "Daddy, please hug me!")

We got it off in no time and did one final search.  Princess spent the next few minutes three days obsessing over the ticks, looking at pictures, and examining their lifeless bodies (which I saved in a baggy for that very purpose.  I know.  What kind of sicko am I?  The kind of sicko that was raised with a slough of boys, that's what.)  She has only just recently began to slow down her tick related inquiries, repeating her tick story to all of her friends, and my friends, and the youth at church.   For being so upset at the time, it was comical how proud she was of her horror story afterward.

So that's one part of the story. 

The second thing is that Princess came down with a fever two days after tick removal day.  As you can imagine, I immediately decided she probably had Lyme Disease.  But then her tick-free little sister came down with a fever a day later, and I realized that it was likely some piddly virus instead.  And then Princess' fever left...and returned a few days later.  Now I was sure she had Lyme Disease.  A person can have Lyme Disease with nearly no symptoms, according you the internet you know.

And as I learned at the doctor's office that week, a person can have Strep Throat with nearly no symptoms as well.  Good to know.  The pediatrician was certain that Princess was free of any tick related diseases, but suggested that we do a strep test.   I thought he was nuts.  She hadn't even complained of a sore throat.  Low grade fever (99 - 100) and body aches was all that had been afflicting her from what I could gather.  Plus, her fever was gone again.  Of course the test turned up a positive pretty quickly.  Apparently we have a very experienced (read: old) doctor who knows what he's doing.  (I believe many other doctors would have written it off as a little nothing virus and sent us home with stickers.)  After going through the list of antibiotics that Princess is allergic to (ugh), the doctor settled on Azithromycin.

Then I asked if Smooch might have strep as well since she had been experiencing the same symptoms (non-symptoms?).  The doctor informed me that it was almost unheard of for a child under the age of three to get strep.  But my Smooch (17 mos. old) is a rule-breaker, and at my insistence, and after fighting her extremely strong gag reflex, they discovered that she too had step.  They put her on Amoxicillin since antibiotic allergies are apparently not hereditary.  (Notice how part of this post's purpose is record-keeping for me.)

Smooch was her old self after one day of meds.  Princess, on the other hand, vomited for the second time in her life and it wasn't long before I was on the phone consulting with a nurse about Azithromycin's propensity to upset little tummies.  A normal side-effect mind you (ugh).  So I began to divide her dose up throughout the day rather than giving it to her all in one daily dose as originally instructed.  That was better - no vomiting - but she still wouldn't eat until her regimen was completed.  Thankfully that particular (strong) antibiotic is only a 5-dayer.

The girls are both finally back to normal over here.  In retrospect, I realized that perhaps Smooch is the one who brought the strep home (from Lord knows where).  After reading a bit about strep, I realized that perhaps the "random two cases of vomiting" - one right before camping, and one right after - was the strep upsetting her stomach.  Then a week passed before she came down with a fever. In the meantime she wasn't acting like her usual self - clingy, and a little cranky...but she was cutting molars at that time too and she acts that way when teething anyway. 

All that to say, I think my little Smooch may have had strep for quite some time before we discovered it in either girls.  And to be really honest, given the awful, invasive complications that untreated step can cause, in the end, I am feeling pretty thankful for those two ugly ticks that Princess got while camping.  Otherwise, I may have never dragged her to the doctor for a little nothing fever that had already gone away.  Isn't it neat the way the Lord takes care of our children, sometimes in spite of their non-paranoid mothers?

And for the record (for the paranoid of you), I am still watching Princess like a hawk...just in case something else shows up yet. ;-)

Princess's Guilty Conscience

Last night, while trying to convince Princess that, yes, she was tired, and, yes, monsters are only pretend, I laid there and told her how much I loved her.  She responded with a serious look on her face, "Even when I do naughty things?"

"Yes, I love you even when you do naughty things."

Without hesitation, she proceeded to confess the "naughty thing"  she did during our trip last weekend to Arizona.  According to the memory of a three-year-old, she was supposed to be taking a nap at her cousin's house while Mommy and Daddy were out and about.  She was having a hard time falling asleep because and she was talking too much.  As a result, she was separated from her cousin and put to bed for nap time in another room.  (Good move, by the way.)  However, she did not stay in that room, but instead stealthily sneaked back over to her cousins room in direct disobedience.

And the guilt had been eating at her. 

I had felt that Princess was acting a smidge distant since our return home from AZ, but I attributed it to over-tiredness from such a fun, busy weekend of travel. 

Then it hit me. 

Her guilty conscience over something that seemed completely unrelated to me (disobeying her aunt), was actually causing her to distance herself from me.  I am the one who spends the most time with her, teaching her, training her, kissing her ouchies.  I am the one, along with my husband, who has instilled those age-appropriate morals in her, and I am the one to whom she feels she must answer for all of her choices - good and bad.  Her guilt over disobeying her aunt was affecting our relationship.

Then it hit me again.

So it is with us and God.  As it is mentioned over and over again in the Bible, when I sin against anyone, I sin against God.  And until I make things right again, there is a barrier between me and God, and I feel distanced from Him.  Even if I don't feel like my relationship with the other person is damaged, my relationship with God surely is and we must make things right (with that other person and with God) in order to enjoy the closeness I so desire to have with Him.

I already knew this, and I have experienced it time and time again.  But isn't it wonderful and humbling the way parenting can remind you of spiritual truths in a way that allows you to really grasp and feel the impact of it?  I hated feeling distance between Princess and I (even though I thought it was a simple sleep issue), and I was so relieved that she confessed what had been bothering her so that we could be close again.  Think of how the Lord feels when I allow something to come between us for weeks, months, even years.  I have done it, and it breaks my heart that I have.  It is very awe-inspiring the way that parenting puts us in a position where we get to see things from the Lord's perspective, as much as our feeble human minds are able to catch even the tiniest glimpse of it.     I wonder what other truths my children will help "hit home" for me over the years...  Yes, the Lord uses even the smallest and weakest among us to teach us, and I think it is beautiful.

P.S.  Princess is writing a letter of apology (she's not great on the phone yet), and she's learning all about how we need to confess things to each other and to God so that we can move on with a clear conscience.  

Thank you God for teachable moments and the teachable spirits of children.  I still have so much to learn myself.

I Want to "Binge Read" a Book with a Boring Title

Sometimes - especially if I can't sleep - my thoughts swirl around my head like the New Mexico dust on a blustery Spring day.  Occasionally, I will get stuck in the "what if" cycle (like what if I died in a freak accident), and things progress downhill so rapidly that I almost feel as though I'm in the middle of a war with demons and angels and the only thing that will make my mind "reset" is to say the name "Jesus" over and over and over again until peace settles over my mind and body.  Once upon a time, I lived with a particular, regular fear and felt that the devil himself tried to torture me with  my own thoughts.  Then I remembered how it is both illustrated and stated in the Bible that even the demons shuddered at the name of Jesus.  Thus my habit was born.  It works very effectively by the way.  Even more effective, however, is learning not to let my mind "wander" in the first place.  After all, minds don't wander without permission.

I think we women - more emotional, less logical - struggle immensely with our thoughts.  I think this is partially how some depressions are born.  When I was on b.c. our first year of marriage, I believe it was part wacko synthetic hormones and part lack of controlling my thoughts that caused my mild, yet still terribly unpleasant stint of depression.  I hesitate to even call it a depression because of how unrelatable and unrecognizable it seems compared to more severe cases, but it sure was.  You know, in retrospect.  I was clueless at the time.


I attend a beautiful Bible study at a church that we don't attend.   It is my NM bff's church, and it is just down the road from my house, which means it's a super convenient locale for a morning study for those of us (ahem) that are cranky, chronically late non-morning people.  (Recently learned bonus of attending a study at a church you aren't a part of: people don't corner you and ask you to serve in yet another area of ministry before of after the study.  In fact, they're not even sure at first if you're a Christian or not, so you can be a fat consumer for once.  ;-)  I might get busted for saying that. Bad Amelia.)  Annnnnyway, we all love our Bible study so much, that we refuse to break for summer.  So instead of our normal study, we have chosen a book to read that will take us through some Biblical truths - sort of book club style - for our casual summer study.

Enter Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George.

When I first read the title, I inwardly cringed.  It sounded boring and dry.  What does it even mean to love God with all your mind?!   Like really mean in an applicable, daily life sort of way???  I imagined it would be a fluffy, feel good sort of read that might annoy me in the end.

Then I read the little blip on the back of the book.  It was probably similar to the product description:

"Elizabeth George’s Loving God with All Your Mind (more than 200,000 copies sold) has been revised and expanded. Elizabeth lets women know that loving the Lord involves action! Focusing on six main scripture passages, she helps readers understand what it means to truly—


let your mind think on what is true about God and about life
grasp and move toward God’s purpose for life
trust the Lord in all things

Drawing on biblical wisdom as well as personal experience, Elizabeth helps women handle their emotions and discover inner peace that comes from focusing on what is true. She shares six powerful Bible truths that will help readers draw closer to God and know His joy and love."  (Thanks, Amazon.com.)


In just reading everything I could get Amazon to relinquish for free with their little "look inside this book" feature, I am pretty hooked.  I'm thinking about buying it, whipping through it, and then reading it again with the other gals for the summer study. Hmm.

Check out this quote from the book that a reader included in her review:

"There is nothing--no circumstance, no trouble, no testing--that can ever touch me until, first of all it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come this far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret--for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is--That is the rest of victory."

One of the main themes of the book seems to be "think about whatever is true."

I've been thinking a lot lately about truth.  And likewise teaching Princess about what it means to tell the truth etc. (Reminds me of a quote from today that I don't want to forget: "Mom you're making me nervous. All those truths you are saying are making me nervous."  Well I had just told her this truth: if you don't eat your dinner, I will not give you any snacks and you will have to wait until breakfast in the morning."  I digress...) Our church (the one we do attend. ;-)) has been going through The Truth Project (by Focus on the Family).  It teaches a Biblical worldview in 12 different areas of life, is amazing, and I highly recommend it.  Even though we are almost done with that study, I can still recall something that hit me from Lesson 1.  This is not an exact quote: "Every sin that besets us can be traced back to the belief in a lie."

Sin deceives us.  Believing in lies can ruin our lives.

Then I started thinking that perhaps a lot of things that "beset us" can be traced back to the belief in a lie.  Some mental illnesses, physical conditions, etc.  We, as Christians and as a society, are so "intelligent and sophisticated" that we treat the symptoms of everything, rather than attacking a problem at it's root.  For example, patients request medication for you-name-it instead of changing their eating habits.  The lie:  my condition can only be treated with medication.  Or, medication is just as safe and effective as changing my diet, and it takes less effort on my part, so it is the best choice.  (Yes, I know, many conditions do require medication, but I would venture to say that most do not.)  Example two: Sally has a gossiping problem, so she's snagged a friend to help keep her accountable as she tries to learn to tame her tongue.  The lie: Sally's problem is that she does not control her mouth.   Truth: Sally needs to take her thoughts captive and not even dwell on the gossip to begin with.  If she's not thinking it, there's no chance she will say it.

With ALL of this rambling, the thing I really want to say is that I am jazzed to read to this book, and I want to know if anyone who reads my blog has read it?  If so, do tell.  Please.

I am excited to learn and grow.  Understanding what many people (women especially) struggle with regarding their thoughts and emotions, I believe that I have a decent grip on my thoughts (learned very slowly over years through circumstances that you don't want), but I'm sure that I'll be proven wrong quite soon.  Even just in reading the little excerpts of the text that I mentioned earlier, I am already realizing how my tendency to over-analyze everything and everyone (like trying to figure out her motive for saying such and such), can be a trouble spot in my thought life as I seek to "take every thought captive" and meditate a lot on Philippians 4:8:

"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." 

Life Truth: The Colder the Winter, the Warmer the Spring

Photo from here.

I think it is beautiful how the Lord uses his creation to teach us truths about life. Take the changing of seasons from Winter to Spring for example...
Bambi II - "There is Life"

Under the snow,
Beneath the frozen streams
There is life...


You have to know
When nature dreams,
She dreams there is life...

And the colder the winter,
The warmer the spring
The deeper the sorrow,
The more our hearts sing
Even when you can't see it
Inside everything
There is life...

After the rain,
The sun will reappear
There is life...

After the pain,
The joy will still be here
There is life...

For it's out of the darkness
That we learn to see
And out of the silence
That songs come to be
And all that we dream of
Awaits patiently...
There is life...

______________________________

Dear Baby July,

They say that it's strange how you can miss someone that you have never even met, but I don't think it's strange at all. I miss you. Intensely. I think about you and your brother or sister October. Every. Single. Day. I imagine that you play so sweetly together in Heaven the way that your sisters play together on earth. Even though is has been several months since I said goodbye to you, sometimes I still lie awake at night and cry. And then I almost have to laugh because I know how blissful it is that you never have experience what it is like to feel that anguish. You have no concept of pain. But I have to admit, in my selfish human nature, I am not crying for you - for I know you are in better hands than mine - I cry for myself. Did I tell you I miss you?

Last month, we would have discovered whether you are a boy or a girl. Oh we were so anxious for that moment. Now it seems silly that your gender would have mattered to us at all. I just wanted YOU. I imagine that my belly would have been pretty swollen by now. I would have finally looked pregnant instead of frumpy. I think you would have been big enough for Daddy to feel your kicks, and I would have walked around rubbing my belly out of maternal habit by now. Did I tell you that I love you?

Well I do. Ever so much.

Love,

Mommy

__________________________

Sometimes, as a mother, I feel like a ball of raw emotion with large portions of my heart walking around outside of my body, and other parts of it hanging out in Heaven without me. I don't try to explain why things happen the way they do. I do hope in the Lord. I do wonder what He is teaching me through all of this. I do try to focus on loving the babies I do get to hold, savoring every moment of this sweet and terrible life.

Sometimes I feel afraid. Then the Lord tells me "Do not be afraid." Sometimes I feel angry. (I must admit there are moments when I want to have a literal tantrum.) Then the Lord softens my heart. Sometimes I think life is ugly and unfair. Then the Lord places on my heart those who have experienced greater loss than I, and those who have not been able to hold any of their children. We desire more children, and sometimes I feel faithless and impatient, ready to be pregnant riiiiiiight now. Then the Lord boosts my faith and gives me patience that I don't have in and of myself.

But one thing never changes: I always, always think of Baby October (due October 14, 2009, miscarried at 5 weeks on February 7, 2009) and Baby July (due on July 10, 2011, miscarried at 9 weeks on December 5, 2010). Mothers never forget their babies. All of them.

I look forward to the day when we lay eyes on each other for the first time, and we know one other at once.

Lies, Stuff, and Work (Post Edit)

Post edit:  Scroll to the bottom on this blog entry for some thoughts from a mom who recently decided to take the gutsy plunge to become a stay and home mom.  I think she is inspiring to say the least.

________________________________________________

In case you  haven't noticed, our culture is full of lies.  And most problems a person faces can be traced back to one root problem: their belief in a lie.  I'm sure that I believe in lies of which I am not even aware.  However, I have also been set free from certain prevalent lies by TRUTH, so now I can see those particular lies clearly.  And let me tell you, it breaks my heart to see other people flounder in their lie-bound state, confused, deceived. 

So  now I'm going to write about one of those lies, and I will probably offend people.  Ready?  I'm about to dispel a lie.... 

You don't need STUFF to make you happy.  In fact, you don't need STUFF period.

Earth shattering.

Do you realize that most people will claim to believe this, but their actions prove that they actually believe in the lie?  "Stuff makes you happy."  That's why we chase after it with such desperation as though our very lives are at stake.

Dave Ramsey calls this worship of stuff "stuff-itis".  Appropriate because it sounds like a disease, a deep-rooted, American disease.  The Bible calls it idolatry. 
"You will have no other gods before me." ~ God

But we have lots of gods that take up our time and money.  Flat screens, nice cars, the latest fashions, even little things like toys for our kids, and lofty things like good education.
And now to get to my point.  I have heard the laments of  literally dozens of mothers that tearfully but dutifully go to work full time in order to help their husband provide for the family.  Their hearts pull them homeward.  Their heads push them out the door.  They don't want to work.  They clearly state that they are working "against their will" or "because it is necessary to make ends meet."  Then they go about their American life, dropping off the kids to daycare, driving a car they owe money on, texting on their iphone, living in Suburbia, U.S.A., living the dream.  Right?

Doing what society and everyone tells them they're supposed to do.  Buying on credit what their grandparents worked a lifetime to obtain, and what some of their parents still don't have.  It's like a mad frenzy to acquire...stuff.

Stuff has become more important than people.

And we as mothers can get so wrapped up in it, that we lose sight of our priorities and we get so confused.  Not only do we believe in the lie, but sometimes we lie to ourselves and to others in order to rationalize our actions. 

I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of moms complaining about how they "have" to work when they could drastically cut the budget.  If you want more money, stop spending it all!  I'm tired of husbands who practically beg their wives to return to work because he just can't do it without her, and then as soon as she does, he starts eyeing a new truck.  I'm tired of wants being confused for needs.  I'm tired of people doing what's expected of them because it's the norm.  I'm tired of Christians being no different than anyone else on this matter, except that they use a lot of spiritual words when they discuss it. 

If you want to work, then work, and do it unto the Lord.  I'm not talking about you.  If you are married and your husband works, and you don't want to work, or if you feel a conviction against it while your kids are young, then don't work.  It really is that simple.  It will be uncomfortable because your life will have to look a little different than it might otherwise.  A lot different? But I think you will discover some of life's greatest treasures in those moments that you can't get back.

Step 1:  Stop comparing yourself to everyone.  And especially, in your comparisons, stop trying to be everyone else.

Step 2:  Change something.

If you desire to stay home and raise the kids yourself, either change your situation or stop complaining.  If you complain about how badly you want to stay with your kids, but you're not even willing to give up the superficial, unimportant things like highlights in your hair, (sorry but) I would really question your priorities.  Your actions and your words need to line up, or else nobody wants to hear about it.  That is a harsh but true reality.
Some people might (rightly) say that I have it pretty good so I don't actually know what these sacrifices look like.  Yes, we have been blessed as my husband changed his major to a more one-income-friendly occupation back when we were dating.  However, most people don't realize that our student loan payments equal that of a mortgage payment.  We live very simply by the standards of our culture, and even when our student loans are paid off, I believe we will still choose the simple life.  Knowing that our family will be growing in the future, we have saved cash and are making plans to purchase a larger vehicle (with 75,000 + miles), but we currently drive a Hyundai Elantra with over 100,000 miles on it, so we don't have a car payment.   And don't forget, I was raised by a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) who was a SAHM even when it meant we had to live in a trailer, and then later upgrade to two-bedroom apartment where four children resided with their two parents.  I remember well our apartment days, and I have news for you:  kids don't care about things like apartment vs. house, compact car vs. suv.  They don't want stuff; they want you.  (Just in case you worry about depriving your kids. ;-))

Here are some daring changes both big and small that I have seen women make in order to make being a SAHM more feasible:

Cut the cable ($30/mo.)
Cancel cell phone service ($50/mo.)
Dye your hair to it's natural color and stop highlighting, and cut it to a lower maintenance style. ($20/mo. when averaged)
Sell your car and be a one-vehicle family (Yes, wake up in the morning and take your husband to work) ($300/mo. conservative estimate for payment and gas alone, not incl. maintenance)
Stop eating out.  Completely. ($50/mo.)
Make food from scratch to cut the grocery budget (even bread if you get crazy!) ($20/mo.)
Drink water, not juice, not milk, not soda. ($20/mo.)
Don't buy yourself any clothes for awhile - unlike your kids, you're not growing and you won't wear them out. ($50/mo.)

Just on those few items I listed off the top of my head, with my very conservative #s, you could easily save $540 a month just like that! This does not include money saved in childcare, and this is just scratching the surface. I didn't even include some of the key things that I personally do such as use cloth diapers.


Stop shopping for anything but grocery items - maybe you have bad habits you need to break. Some of us have more diverse spending habits than others ;-)  If you rent, move into a smaller house in an older neighborhood...or *GASP*, move into an apartment.  (We saved over $600/mo. by moving from our condo across the street from a golf course, to a slightly run-down rental in an old neighborhood. $600 a month!!! When we move again, eventually, we'd like to shoot for saving an additional $200/mo. Though we won't compromise safety, we are pretty motivated to pay off our student loans during this time that my husband's job has us uprooted and moving around.)
Additionally, here are things I have seen moms do to help with the income while raising the children and keeping home in order:

Part-time work-from-home position for a company
Providing childcare for other working moms (I did this for over 2 years.)
Selling Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, etc.
Clean houses
My mom even had a paper route at one point and took us along. :-)

I swear if one more person tells me how envious they are of me because I get to spend my days pouring into the lives of my daughters, while they have always "had" to work to make ends meet, but then they continue to make expensive choices, I may start screaming.  For so many of them think they are helpless victims of life.  They have made themselves slaves to their stuff, and that is why they feel they have to work.  They don't own anything.  Their stuff owns them.  It is so frustrating to see this cycle and it makes me so profoundly sad for the deceived among us.  After all, for most of us, our children are our only truly lasting legacy.

God help us to see ourselves clearly.  We need your TRUTH - Jesus.  Help us to be good stewards of our children - like everything else, they are yours and not ours.  Help me to see the lies that I believe in other areas of my life and recognize them for what they are.  Make me like you, even when the process hurts.

With her permission, please go read this vulnerable post that my friend Emily wrote about her personal struggle with this very subject.  (Love ya, Emily!  And happy first day on the new job!)

Just In Case This Means Something to Anyone Else

Once upon a Febuary in 2009 I had an early miscarriage that rocked my world.  I blogged about it here.  Only I didn't happen to mention any specifics at the time.  Since that portion of the post is somewhat buried in my monologue about our firstborn daughter, I have copied and pasted it below.  Every word of it is as true today as it was then.  Jesus you are so beautiful, how you strengthen our spirits and soften our hearts in difficult times, if only we let you.

__________________

In whom, in what, do you put your trust? Through tumultuous events, both from my own life and the lives of others around me, God is teaching me a seemingly basic truth. Fundamental, but challenging. God has personally blessed us. That is obvious to me. But in his blessing, I don't want my focus to shift from Him to his blessing. I want to live with an "open palm" mentality. Not open palm meaning, ready to receive, but open palm meaning that I don't cling to things or people in such a way that I place my trust in them. That my focus shifts away from Jesus. I want to give everything I have to God each day because they're not mine to begin with. I want to live like everything is on loan from him.

Don't we try to treat things better that aren't ours anyway? Being sort of clumsy and awkward with...things...I have broken something that belonged to someone else on more than one occasion. That feeling is more terrible than if I had broken ten of my own somethings. I want to live like my house isn't mine. I want to live like my husband doesn't belong to me. The same goes for my daughter. My husband's job. Everything. They belong to the Lord. He has let me have them for a time and a time only. I want to live like I really believe that.

This does not come out of fear of loss; I have experienced loss before and I know that if I had to do it again, I could...because I have Hope. So I am not afraid. Rather this is entirely about my attitude. I want to be humble. Few things are uglier to me than arrogance. I want to be thankful in all things. I think the Bible repeats "be thankful", and "with thankfulness" so much because we are so prone to become spoiled little children, demanding things from God. And adopting at attitude of thankfulness can transform a person. I will go as far as to say that I believe it is the only way to experience true happiness.

Be thankful. Be humble. Live like your trust is really in Jesus and not yourself (your abilities), not a job, not your things, not your husband, not your kids. That is what I yearn for. This is what God has been teaching me lately.

There is a difference between finding joy in things, relationships and such and getting your worth from them. Letting those things define you. For instance, I find it extremely satisfying to make things with my hands. (I think it's in my genetics.) That's why I think it is fun to sew. However, I have to be on guard to not let my value come from being crafty or get my identitfy from being a "homemaker." God tells me who I am. Not the way I interact with my daughter on any given day. Or the fact that I even have a child. Not the fact that I have many years of college behind me. Not whether I packed my husband's lunch or let him do it himself. Not whether I have a career or stay home with my kid. Not anything that I feel. Not what anyone else tells me. If I chased those things in order to find value, I would be placing my trust in them. Wouldn't I be train wreck when things didn't go as planned?! Nevertheless, it is a constant learning process.

Here is an excerpt from my journal last month (I know, I blog and I keep a journal. Good for me.) Forgive me if this is somewhat redundant:

February 24, 2009

Some Psalms that stick out to me tonight:

Psalm 144:3-4 - "O Lord, what is man that you regard him, or the son of man that you think of him? Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow."

Psalm 146:3-5 - "Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish. Blessed is he whose help is in the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God."

I find it comforting to know that in all times - in joy or in sorrow - God is deeply moved on my behalf and He even knows the very number of hairs on my head and goings on of the insignificant sparrow. However, I really enjoy scriptures that put life into perspective. That remind me to be humble and thankful in all things. To remember that in the grand scheme of life and eternity, my problems are not so overbearing

I feel as though in the wake of [things], God is whispering in his still, small voice, "In whom do you put your trust? From what do you gain your value?" My answer should not be my daughter and my future children. I should not put my trust in my husband [I should trust him, yes, but not put my trust, my hope in him]. Or his job. My value should not be determined by my accomplishments as daughter, wife or mother.

These are concepts that I have nearly always known and understood, but to take them to heart and live with an "open palm" mentality is different. My husband does not belong to me. My daughter is not mine. They are the Lord's. If I have learned anything [this is where I omitted specifics about the miscarriage in the original blog post] it is that I must continue to give my family over to God each day. It's hard to comprehend that He loves them more than I do (or ever will) but that's the reality of it, so they're better off in His full care anyway. But, man, will I thank Him everyday for lending them to me for awhile!

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P.S.  Don't worry.  Light-hearted family update posts will ensue.