I came across this post that I wrote almost exactly one year ago. It is one of the most "true to the heart" things I have ever written on my blog regarding motherhood. I hope you enjoy this re-post. It was a good reminder for myself.
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May 14, 2010
Yesterday I was washing the dishes, staring out the kitchen window feeling a little melancholy that most of our lovely apple blossoms have already made their light descent to the grassy ground beneath.
Then my mind drifted to my two captivating daughters. I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet to be able to stay home and raise them. I've always wanted to be where I am today, so in many ways, I feel like I'm living out my simple dream.
I remember a conversation my husband and I had after we had been dating for a whopping month. It was about kids and family. How we both wanted some. How I desired to raise them myself rather than work outside the home and take them to daycare. How he spent many many hours in daycare and turned out fine. How he didn't know an abundance good, productive stay-at-home moms - ones who didn't become overweight sitting on the couch waching soaps (or so it might seem), so the idea didn't seem entirely attractive to him.
Then something amazing happened. He changed his college major to something that would make a better living and provide stability. Something that would allow us to be an one income family and not be totally strapped. What an act of love! I'm still scratching my head today really.
As I continued my thoughts, I began to ponder why I am a stay-at-home mom. What compelled me to desire this life? What motivates me when I'm feeling worn out? I could say things about molding young minds. I could talk about how no one can love a child as much as his/her mother and how terrible it feel to hand my child off to paid daycare employees while I shuffle off to work. Before the birth of our second daughter, I might have talked of honorable things like spiritual training or the importance of tending the home. I could have easily listed twenty noble reasons why, for me, it is important to stay home and raise the kids. And those things were and are all true.
But now?
Over 2 1/2 years later, we have (mostly) nipped tantrums in the bud, imparted the beginnings of good manners (repetition repetition repetition), spent countless hours learning and implementing good nutrition (which means homemade everything and prepackaged almost nothing), just barely skimmed the surface of spiritual and heart training, and added an infant to the mix to make things interesting. Oh and we get dressed every day and brush our teeth twice a day and wash our hands after...everything. The days are gone so quickly.
Then I find myself in a rare quiet moment wondering what I would say if someone asked me why I do what I do, instead of what it seems most everyone else does. And do you know the best thing I could come up with in this exhausting phase of toddler-plus-infant? In my head, it goes something like this:
All my life I have been decent at lots of different things. I can sing, but I can't read music. I can speak Spanish, but I'm not fluent by any means. I can pass any test I prepare for, but I won't remember any of it later. Those are really silly examples off the top of my head, but you get the idea. I can do so many things, just well enough to get by. It's been my mantra so to speak. I've been a jack of all trades in life, interested in so many things, but not sticking with one thing long enough (or with enough intensity) to become truly great at any one of them. Lacking focus. Driven but...busy. Certainly divided.
I cannot imagine the plight of the working mom because, thankfully, I don't have to walk in those shoes. But I do know the life of a working wife. Did I cook dinner in those days? Hardly. And I have to add here that I have seen several working moms who truly are great both in their jobs and as mom. But mostly I see a lot of women who are in survival mode. And I know myself. I would be in survival mode. I would get home from work too exhausted to parent with consistency. I would give in to tantrums because it would take less energy than resisting. I would stop reminding Princess to use her manners because sometimes I'd just be too tired to care that she's rudely demanding snacks. Don't get me wrong. I would do my best, but my best would be tinged with "unfocused", "busy" and "divided." And my inconsistency would manifest itself in my most precious children. Not to mention my poor husband.
Especially now that I'm outnumbed, I can say that motherhood is seriously hard work. I am far from having it all figured out. Stated bluntly, staying home to raise our children has gone from "childhood dream with the most honorable intentions and goals" to "how in the world would I do all this if I was working full time!?" Sometimes I still find myself in survival mode, but since being mom and wife is my main focus, survival mode shows up on one day (or week) or another, but it isn't my normal way of life. In fact, some days I think it might be nice to drop the kids off with someone else for once and stroll into the office. I've even had my former boss call me more than once with a tempting job offer.
I refuse to be divided. These sweet gifts are not little forever, and for the sake of their future I am determined that I will give my absolute best and become great at this thing called motherhood. Even if it is the only thing I ever focus on long enough to achieve, to me, it is the one that counts the most.
6 comments:
That is very sweet, and I love the last sentence. :) PS - I'd love to hear how you have ended the tantrums! We are struggling with them now [mostly when she tries to do something and it doesn't work the first or second time - that's when she comes unglued.]
You have a gift with words, my friend! Past the honorable mentions (which are most certainly important) the realization is that I would be a beast if I worked outside of the home. I don't know how those women do it, honestly. I do not know. Something gives, and if keeping their job means that work doesn't give, then it is the home that does. I can't live with that. One day (if the Lord chooses to tarry) I will be old and gray, sitting in a rocking chair in a silent house, and all I will have are the memories of these days that flew by too fast. I'm glad, even on the hard days, that they will be my memories to cherish.
Beautiful post!
Curious random question...do you do any kind of scripture memorization with your eldest? I think Q is getting close to being able to do that sort of thing, so I'm out "canvasing" like-minded Mommy blogs to get some feedback.
Regarding tantrums - there is a distinct difference b/t frustration tantrums and temper tantrums. For frustration tantrums, we taught our daughter to ask for help. If a toy that she struggled with frequently was beyond her (like very much not age appropriate), we removed the toy until she got a little older. When she was not able to verbally ask for help, we taught her to sign the word help. Even when she was very verbal, it was easier for her to sign (and not fall apart) than it was for her to form the words while frustrated. For temper tantrums (which is what I was referring to in this post), we usually removed her from the living area (or wherever) to her room so that she could calm down without ruining everyone's peace. :-) It worked. There's no point in throwing a fit if there's no audience.
LeAnna, thank you for the sweet comment!
Yes, we have done some scripture memorization with her. We've gotten out of the habit lately, but when we did it, it worked pretty well. I picked a verse, and wrote it out on her easel. Then we talked about what the verse meant, and we illustrated it. After that, we'd work on the verse one line at a time (just saying it over and over) over the course of the next few days until she had the whole verse down. Then we'd practice the whole verse until the end of the week. We did one verse per week that way.
Amelia, loved your post! What an honest and truthful description of being an at home parent.
I am curious as to your take on stay-at-home dads?
Emily F
Hi Emily. Thanks for commenting. Good question. I don't think that the concept of a stay-at-home dad is biblical by any means. However, I personally think it is a better temporary solution (for employment issues, etc.) for a man to stay home with his children while his wife works than to send those kids off to strangers at daycare. *Temporarily.* There are always exceptions, of course, and everyone thinks they are the exception, but generally speaking I do not believe in stay-at-home dads. Does it happen? Yes. Is it occasionally necessary? Maybe so. Is it ideal? I think not.
Males and females were created very specifically by God for certain purposes, and yes, that means roles. I recommend the book "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl for a study on the role of the wife in marriage with lots and lots of scripture. I agree with *almost* everything she says. It makes an excellent women's small group study as well. I think by understanding one role, the other role also becomes more clear.
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